Hi everyone! This post will be a bit different. No outfits. No reviews. No fashion. Just me, sharing a little bit of my life here. I have never shared personal issues, problems, nothing really here or in public. I never post emotional posts on social media, and never done it here either. I have dedicated this website to my world of fashion. My gateway to my fantasy land where issues of the outside world does not exist. But today I feel like sharing a little something.
I started The Neon Factor in 2012. Fun fact it was actually called xoxo, Diana in 2011; I was inspired by Gossip Girl at the time. Should I have kept it? During this time blogging and showcasing your outfits on your own website was such a farfetched idea to anyone outside of the game. But following my blogger idols, Andy from Style Scrapbook and Chiara from The Blonde Salad I said to myself ‘let’s do it.’
Just spending a couple of moments on this website you can clearly see it’s a girl who loves colorful clothing. But it’s so much more than that to me. It gave me a confidence I had never experienced before. I later on discovered that it wasn’t the dressing up and taking pictures part that gave me confidence, it was the fact that I was doing something that made me feel proud and accomplished and something I genuinely loved.
But there’s so much going on behind the screen. In the past years I’ve let the outside come in and distract me from what I truly love and am passionate about. I guess we all go through times that we get pulled away from what we love most but now sitting here alone on my bed at 3:42am and I can’t believe how much I let myself go off my path.
My world of The Neon Factor isn’t just my personal outlet to share my love of fashion but also my outlet to be me, 100% me. Being a loner kind of person I have learned to keep my feelings to myself. Just gulp it down and keep going, what I always said to myself when I wanted to throw myself a pity party. But now seems different. I have all these emotions and feelings coming up and no way to really deal with them. During a pandemic the last thing I want to do is talk more negative things that I feel I have brought on myself. But I feel this website, The Neon Factor, is a reflection of my life so by not being truly transparent on the lack of posts and energy here I feel like I’m not being real.
The past four years I went from being a confident strong woman to a woman that questions herself on everything. When I used to throw on an outfit and look in the mirror before leaving the house and said fuck yeah lets do this, it’s now not even wanting to get out of bed. I look at every single piece in my closet and admire it’s beauty but I leave them on the hanger because I don’t feel worthy of them. When I used to wear fashion week pieces (you know super extra outfits that no normal person wears just the fashion girls at fashion weeks) every day, to anywhere, constantly getting the question, you’re so dressed up where are you going, I’d think to myself, anywhere. I can go anywhere in this outfit cause that outfit gives me confidence to get through my day from start to finish with a bam. But now, today, it’s the complete opposite. I don’t feel like I’m good enough to dress up. Who am I to go all styled up to Target, no one.
I moved to Houston when I was 19. Absolutely the best thing that could have happened to me. While I was growing up in Georgia I had 0 confidence. The world was so much bigger than I was and I was in the corner sitting scared of everything. Moving here I became a new woman. The woman I had always imagined I would never become. A business woman. A educated woman. An independent woman. A woman that wasn’t sad or worried when she was single. A woman that put herself as the absolute #1 in her life. (aside from my family, they’re always #1)
But these past years that has gone in a complete 180, basically right back where I began. I think out of this whole process that is what is really knocking me out my chair. I allowed the outside world to take me off of my throne. I can’t put fault on anybody else but my own. In a strange way it’s like I broke my own heart because I was no longer my #1. Sadly as selfish as it sounds, I need to be my #1 so I can be who I need to be for my world that depends on me.
It was a no brainer, if I ever wanted to get completely back to my old life I needed to exit the environment that was taking me so far from it. Now it’s back to the basics. Getting back to my old routine little by little. I feel like the sun is shining a bit brighter. My world glows a little bit more. My creative juices are flowing again. It’s like the lock has been broken from my mental cell. I feel ready and anxious to get back to my world. I’m ready to make myself #1 again, because when I do that life flows in a wonderful way; It brings happiness I’ve never experienced before and helps me deal with the problems that come up in a more elegant way.